A Caddy Story

Charles Jeffrey Danoff

The 17th Hole

     "One-fifty marker's a couple yards behind. Pin's in back. Wind's blowing softly with us. So, oneforty- eight to the center, ten for the stick, ten for the elevation, take off five for the breeze and I believe it's playing one-sixty-three. Green slopes from front to back, so you don't have much room to play with. I'd say a soft seven short of the green leaving you a do-able up and down, Sir."
     "Give me the five, Dustin."


     "Looks straight, but it'll break right. Aim about two cups outside." She says, pointing to the spot with the grip end of his driver. "And don't be shy, it's slightly uphill."
      "Thanks, Suzie."

The 18th Hole

      After exchanging drivers for putters on the 17th green, Dustin and Suzie mosey up to fore-caddie. "You ever use the pissing tree on this hole?" Dustin asks as they pass The Oak designated for relief.
      "Was really close once." she replies.
      "What happened?"
      "Decided it'd be best to take the pain. You?"
      Dustin ahems, then rests down the two bags he's carrying and walks to The Oak as Suzie moves ahead.
      Feeling refreshed Dustin joins her about one hundred and twenty yards away from the players teeing off. The 18th fairway is surrounded by a forest right and O.B. left. Fore-caddying gives the caddies a better vantage point for finding drives gone astray.
      "One time, I was looping with Orlando. He was using the facilities, when Mr. Todd's drive sliced really badly." Dustin begins, resuming the conversation.
      "Mr. Todd always slices with his driver."
      "Yeah I know, I thought about telling him he'd be better off leaving the big dog in the clubhouse. Anyway, he lost his ball immediately, so he didn't say anything, but Mr. Dour saw -"
      "Dour is sharp."
      "That he is, so Dour yelled 'FORE!' I'd forgotten about Orlando, but as the ball got closer I realized why Dour screamed. I shouted 'O! MOVE!' he made eye contact with me as I was pointing behind him. He figured out what was going on and dove barely avoiding the ball." The wind shifts South, against the players.
      "That's good to hear O was alright."
      "Yeah ... save the wet spot on his shorts."
      "Ooh. :("
      "Totally sucked. Todd did him right, though. Gave him over two-hundo for the loop, and bought him a new pair of shorts."
      "No he didn't."
      "You're right. He didn't, because O refused the offer."
      "You're so full of it."
      "You're no fun." Dustin sighs, giving up.
      "Not for you, no. You got a pencil?"
      Dustin pauses, sniggering inside, as did Suzie when reviewing her statement, but keeping a straight face searching his memory and pockets for the instrument, finding it above his left ear. He hands it to her and she fills out her caddie card.
      As she writes, monsters dancing hedonistic ally amidst a pink and purple jungle flash in and out of her head. Where do those come from? Are they bubbles floating waiting for a host?
      "Grandma, about that pencil, you didn't ask if you could have one."
      "What? ... Oh, yeah." Suzie mumbles, returning to their shared plane of reality. "Here you go."
      I wonder where she was just then?
      A phwap sound comes from a hundred yards back.
      "Shit." Dustin curses, realizing he's once again neglected his duties as a caddie, failing to pay attention when his player teed off. Where's the ball? Part of the reason was he relaxed, knowing Suzie would take care of him. "Got it, headed along the left side of the fairway ... ah, rough. Not the start he wanted."
      "No prob."
      "You ever read a story about caddies?"
      "Story, as in fiction?"
      "There's this Southern writer whose name is eluding me now." Mr. Douglas's ball flies above them landing softly down the right side of the fairway ten yards beyond Doug's.
      "Anyway, he wrote this book with a section where he streams a special" she does air quotes "man's thoughts. Caddies play a very minor role there."
      "That it?" He asks, hoping for more.
      "As far as I've read."
      "That's a shame. We deserve a better voice in the English canon."
      "Why don't you write the book?"
      "Whoa." Dustin emphasizes holding out his hands. "I don't know about a book. We're just bit players who magnify the lead actors in one light or another. I think a short story would suffice."
      "You've always been lazy." Suzie chides through a smile. "On that note, was Mr. Jones pissed at you last hole?" Mrs. Douglas's ball crashes into the woods on the right.
      "What'd you mean?"
      "When you were daydreaming on the left side of the fairway as he was ready to hit behind you on the right."
      "Oh, that. Nah, he didn't mention anything."
      "You're lucky."
      "It's more he knows how I operate - we have a professional relationship spanning my whole career, starting with my first time out."
      "Sucks for Jones."
      "Indeed. Our first round he asked me something like 'Son, how many loops you had this summer?' I said 'Loops?' 'You know, rounds you caddied on the course?' I was like, 'Don't you mean gone around the course?" "Typical Doug form, though, I believe he smiled and said something like 'Happy to see you working, young man.'" Alice's ball skips its way to the beginning of the fairway.


Faulkner, W. (1990). The sound and the fury (The First Vintage International ed.). New York, NY: Vintage International

Lucas, G. (2004). The book cog hill dubsdread #4: Cialis western open (9th ed.). West Palm Beach, FL: Tour Yardage Books, Inc.

Woolf, V. The Common Reader. web ed. Australia, Adelaide: eBooks@Adelaide, 2004. Web. 26

Copyright © 2010 Charles Jeffrey Danoff